Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
