You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
