You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
