that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
