if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
