the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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