I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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