I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
