Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
