my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
