im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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