Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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