I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I want a musical about memes.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
