Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
