I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Randomize
