I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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