Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
