literally had 100 drinks last night.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
His hands were made for my vagina.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
