That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
