are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
dude. I can hear the air.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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