HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
