My liver just broke up with me...
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
