Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
