we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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