Only a mothe r could love this liver
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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