Your face is a jimmy john
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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