I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
