I feel like abortions should bother me more
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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