When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
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