He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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