all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
