so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Boobs are out for the taking
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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