You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
