My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
