the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
