Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
