stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
