i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
