You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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