Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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