im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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