Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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