So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Randomize
