yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
