Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
