It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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