I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize