the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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