i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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