the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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