I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
