Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Two words: blizzard sex
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
