I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
