Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Randomize
