when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
