Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
