Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
