Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize