i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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