Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
