Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
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