dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
