He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
it's like heaven, but drunker
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
