someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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