if i can run in heels then i can drive
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
