I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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