My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
