i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
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