shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
