What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
