if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
