I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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